PFC Graham (fulleffect) wrote in rock_the_v,
PFC Graham

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The American boy who would do anything you say

The community is dying. What is with you people. Socialize, discuss, or something. Allow me to throw some Kingsford on the grill:

No Cum Dodging Allowed

Mostly I just want to see the sign for this one. Clearly, in an international sport like bukkake, there have to be pictorial symbols to indicate when cum dodging is allowed, not allowed, and encouraged. Now that I think of it, when is it ever allowed? Is there some whole semen-evasion subgenre that I haven't been informed of? At any rate, any title that spells the word come as "cum" gets marked down a whole letter grade, so: D-

Space Invaderz

I'm totally unclear on the significance of the "z" in "Space Invaderz." I thought I understood z-plurals: they indicate something which is both youth-oriented and extreme. So, while "tea cozies" are something cherished by old ladies wearing shawls, "tea coziez" are all the rage among adrenalin-infused, rapping, snowboarding youth who may or may not be wearing "shawlz." So why is this called "Space Invaderz"? Is the "z" in this context intended to indicate "in a body orifice, most likely the butt"? Just when I think I have the alphabet figured. D

Gangbang Auditions #7

Uh. It seems to me that once you've gotten seven installments in a series, you can't really pretend it's an audition anymore. How would you distinguish it from an actual gangbang, anyway? It seems to me that if there is a gang, and there is banging, then there's no "audition" about it. Do they say "Do Greg here, but pretend he's eight guys"? I don't think that's going to lead to an accurate assessment of someone's actual gangbang skill set. Even more of a conundrum is the question of whether they held auditions for "Gangbang Auditions #7," and if they did, what they called the resulting video. This could lead to "Gangbang Audition Tryout Demonstration Screening Tests #72." C-

It's Raining Tushy Girls

The mind staggers. I try to picture what it would mean to be in the middle of a pleasant summer rain of tushy girls, or perhaps a tempestuous deep-winter tushy girl storm. Maybe you're the captain of a schooner, rounding the horn, and the first mate bursts into your cabin, eyes wild with fear. "Cap'n!" he says. "It's raining tushy girls!" But my brain just rejects it, perhaps because I'm not sure what a "tushy girl" is. I think it involves butt dimples. At any rate, I'm pretty sure this is what Charles Fort masturbated to. B

Rocco: Animal Trainer

Man, I can think of about six things this could be, none of them appetizing. A best-case scenario is that it's some sort of porn version of Steve Irwin's schtick, with some long-schlonged ex-bodybuilder gamely attempting an Australian accent while surrounded by...women dressed up as crocodiles and dingos, I guess. I hope, because all the other options are even more distasteful. I never thought I'd reach the point in my life where I'd be saying, "Boy, I hope this video has women dressed up as crocodiles and dingos in it." D-

World's Biggest Footjob Gangbang

Some times when I write the Ratings, I look up information about whatever it is I'm writing about, the better to seem erudite and to tie it in somehow with old G.I. Joe cartoons. Sometimes, however, I don't look up any information, the better to preserve my sanity. I'm pretty sure I know what a footjob gangbang is, but that little shard of uncertainty is precious to me, and I preserve it like a former debutante saving a slice of her wedding cake. At any rate, the world's biggest footjob gangbang seems like one of those records you set primarily by virtue of nobody else caring. I find it difficult to believe that American, French, and Chinese footjob gangbang teams were all vying for the title and the glory. I bet it was just some people and some feet. C+


This is a disappointing title. I've come to expect either half-assed mainstream movie parody titles ("Citizen Came") or uncomfortably anatomical descriptions of sex acts that I never would have come up with on my own ("Calling All Nostril Rimmers #3"). This is definitely a porn title, so I don't think it's the 1976 film featuring a pre-WKRP Howard Hesseman. Now that I think about it, "Tunnelvision" could be a slang term for any number of potentially uncomfortable sex practices. And now to stop thinking about it. C-

Real Female Orgasms #3

Oh, give it up. If you have the power of self-delusion that allows you to believe that every female orgasm on a porn DVD is real because, you know, it says so, you may as well rent "Girls Who Are Lesbians Except They Would Totally Do You If You Lived In Ventura For Free Even #12." Or, save yourself the trouble, just tell yourself that sixteen sex-starved coffee shop baristas just knocked down your door and boffed you to within an inch of your life then departed leaving nothing but two pounds of Kona, because that's precisely as likely. C-

Lewd Conduct #1

It seems kind of presumptuous to call a porn flick "#1." I thought "The First Pokémon Movie" was taking a gamble, but this is really tenuous. How can you be sure that Lewd Conduct is going to be popular enough to warrant a sequel? Especially with a feeble title like that. "Lewd Conduct" is barely suggestive enough to make a Victorian governess reach for the smelling salts. In a world with porn titles like "Assault That Ass" and "Cum Drippers #3," "Lewd Conduct" sounds like something involving underarm body noises and maybe, maybe some light mooning. D+

Pussyman's Snatch Attack

I can't decide which word in this title I like least. There's definitely some synergy going on here; the title taken as a whole is disturbing enough to make me wonder if there isn't something fundamentally wrong with heterosexuality. This is like when you're eight and you see a movie about something stupid like giant voles and it takes you the better part of a decade to get over your vole fear. I'm not entirely sure what a snatch attack is, but I'm definitely worried that it might happen to me. I'm equally worried that Pussyman will somehow be involved. I'm sure before too long I'll be walking down a dark deserted street and I'll start walking faster because I can't be entirely sure that Pussyman isn't nearby with a snatch attack on his mind. D-

Poetic Just-Ass

If you have to do the Justice/Just Ass pun -- and let me assure you that you don't -- there has to be a better venue for it than "Poetic Just-Ass." How about "Department of Just Ass"? That's pretty good. Or "The Just Ass League of America"? Or "Former Chief Just Ass Warren Buggerer"? Really, the field is wide open. As it were. Plus the title has that condescending little hyphen in there, just so that's it's utterly clear that a clever play on words is being executed, because otherwise you might take it home, watch it, wank to it, be taking your good pants to the dry cleaner and then say "Oh! Just ass! I get it!" D

Real Adventures #10

I appreciate the attempt to evoke a sense of fun and thrill without pulling out the Big Book of Body Part Slang Terms, but this is just too vague. It sounds like something from Boy's Life magazine. Plus, now that I think about it, how is this distinct from any other porn title? It's porn, even the fake stuff is real. Maybe you've got people dressed up as nuns or ninjas or ninja nuns, but once the half-assed costumes come off, all of the sucking and nearly all the fucking is as real as Larry Hagman. A real Real Adventure would involve two people having sex while moaning "I need the money! I need the money!" C

Another White Trash Whore

I assume that this is a sequel to a movie called "White Trash Whore." Like "Another 48 Hours" or "Another Stakeout," except presumably more people saw it. It does bring up the question of what further movies in this would be called. My suggestions would be "Still Another White Trash Whore," "Still Another White Trash Whore II," and "White Trash Whore: Havana Nights." I also think they might consider putting more than one white trash whore in each movie. Maybe one could be really slovenly, and the other could be marginally less slovenly. They could get in arguments about how far from the trash can is "close enough." C-

Gang Bang Angels #6

I imagine that "angels" in this case is purely metaphorical. It would be cool if it wasn't, though. A supernatural divine being gang bang would be refreshing, with an assortment of low-cut diaphanous gowns and holy thongs and such. I can't help but suspect that the concept of furiously and variously fornicating angels being filmed and the resulting tape being shipped to foul-smelling porn shops across the United States probably goes against the dogma of quite a few religions, even the relatively tolerant ones that let you masturbate in the first place. Fun fact: Did you know that some angels are traditionally portrayed as giant flaming many-eyed wheels? There's an interesting image for a porn movie. "I don't do anal, watersports, or flaming wheels." B

I Love Lesbians #9

I suppose it's too much to hope that this is a tribute to the old I Love Lucy show, with a lot less Fred and a lot more Ethel. I bet Ricky'd let her be in his show then! Even this series is just the typical array of lipstick lesbians, lacy lingerie, laconic licking, and large lubed lifelike lingams, "I Love Lesbians" is such a pleasant way to put it. It speaks to the more pleasant, more tolerant, and yet equally semen-stained future envisioned by Robert A. Heinlein. A

Courtesy of The Book of Ratings.

It's the knowledge that some of those have to be real at this point, that makes sex scary.
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